3 Hidden Ways Narcissists Groom Victims in Marriage

Have you noticed that your husband now criticizes the very traits he once loved? Narcissists groom victims by presenting themselves as safe, loving, and trustworthy at first, to gain trust and lower a woman’s defenses before causing harm.

When women understand three common ways narcissists groom victims, they can begin to see what’s really happening. Grooming often works quietly. Emotional abusers use a cycle of praise, pity, and confusion to keep women questioning themselves instead of questioning his behavior. This is why grooming feels good at first, because the intent stays hidden until the damage is already underway.

To know if it’s grooming, you’ll also need to know if he’s using any one of these 19 different emotional abuse tactics. Take our free emotional abuse quiz to find out.

1. NARCISSISTS GROOM VICTIMS WITH COMPLIMENTS HE’LL LATER USE TO ATTACK YOU

Narcissists groom victims with compliments that feel personal and sincere. Early on, they pay close attention to what matters to you, what you feel good about, and what you’re insecure about. Later, they use those same things to criticize, confuse, or control you.

This is why many women don’t see red flags before a relationship or marriage begins. At first, it feels like he truly sees you and appreciates who you are. Over time, you realize that what felt like love and admiration was actually preparation.

2. NARCISSISTS GROOM WITH DARVO

DARVO means Deny, Attack, and then Reverse the Victim and Offender roll. This is when someone who is truly hurting you claims that you are hurting them.

3. NARCISSISTS GROOM VICTIMS WITH SOB STORIES

Playing the victim is a common tactic narcissists groom victims with. The truth is that many, many people have had traumatic childhoods and it’s not a reason to abuse anyone. In fact, many people with traumatic childhoods are the healthiest people you’ll ever meet.

Abuse is a choice. When a narcissist says he’s lying (or any other abusive behavior) because of his traumatic childhood, he’s just trying to groom you into thinking he has a good reason or excuse. He’s also trying to make you feel sorry for him. He’s NOT choosing to be a healthy person. If he was, he wouldn’t have done it in the first place. To hear Chelsea’s entire story, read on or listen to the full podcast episode above.

TRANSCRIPT: 3 WAYS NARCISSISTS GROOM VICTIMS

Anne: Today, I’m joined by a member of our community. We’re going to call her Chelsea.

Chelsea shares how her husband was grooming her in ways she couldn’t see at the time, and how his true character revealed itself gradually. It wasn’t obvious cruelty at first. He was charming, praised her, and even showed empathy.

As Chelsea shared her story, I noticed three familiar ways narcissists groom victims in the things her husband did repeatedly to confuse her. I want to briefly name these so you can listen for them as the conversation unfolds.

First, early compliments that later became weapons. Traits he admired at the beginning were eventually used to criticize.
Second, DARVO—deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender. When confronted about harm, he claimed he was the one being hurt.
And third, sob stories designed to pull empathy, which later became excuses for harmful behavior.

So listen for these as Chelsea shares her story. Welcome, Chelsea.

Chelsea: Hi. I’m so glad to be here. Betrayal Trauma Recovery has helped me so much.

Anne: When you first met your husband, or maybe when you first got married did you recognize his behaviors as abuse?

Chelsea: No, I definitely didn’t. I guess everything’s hindsight 20/20, but at the time I was a single mom of two kids myself, so I don’t know if it was just insecurities. It happened slowly, and it circled around insecurities I had so I didn’t really notice it at first.

Anne: When did you start recognizing like something’s not quite right?

1. NARCISSISTS GROOM BY GIVING COMPLIMENTS THEY WILL LATER ATTACK YOU WITH <p