Common Signs of a Toxic Relationship That Might Surprise You

Are you seeing things in your marriage or a relationship that feel a little intense or puzzling…and you’re not sure if they’re normal or actually signs of a toxic relationship?

If so, it’s important to pause and look at the pieces of the puzzle together to see what they might be telling you. To discover if you’re in a toxic relationship take our free emotional abuse test.

Here are five things that might seem “normal,” but aren’t:

SIGNS OF A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP THAT ARE EASY TO MISS 1. HE WANTS TO MOVE THE RELATIONSHIP FORWARD QUICKLY

When you’re in a relationship with someone who seemingly shares and cares about your values and interests, it’s easy to be swept up by the intensity of it all. Especially if the relationship seems to happen at the “right” time, and things move forward quickly.

But this level of intensity and pace doesn’t give you time to slow down and really think about why you seem so compatible.

2. HE WANTS CONSTANT ACCESS TO YOU, BUT HE’S CLOSED OFF

It might seem caring for your husband to be curious about your life and daily activities. But if he’s constantly calling or texting, and questioning you about your whereabouts and who you’re with, while withholding those same details about his life from you, you’re not in a reciprocal relationship.

His “curiosity” or suspicion, is most likely stemming from his own toxic patterns of behavior.

3. HIS MOODS SHIFT SUDDENLY AND YOU DON’T KNOW WHY

Think about it…in healthy relationships, partners are usually aware of the reasons why one partner isn’t in a good mood. They typically communicate about bad days at work or when they’re not feeling well. But in toxic relationships, that level of trust and communication often isn’t there, because one partner doesn’t want it to be.

Everything’s fine, until it’s not, and then, it suddenly is again…
And you’re left trying to figure out what changed.

4. HE‘S UPSET OVER SMALL THINGS

Things that don’t seem like a big deal, suddenly are signs of a toxic relationship.

For example, you miss a turn on the way to his best friend’s birthday party… and suddenly it’s not about directions anymore. He’s accusing you of being disrespectful, or doing it on purpose because you don’t want to go. Or you might simply ask him to help with the groceries, and suddenly he’s angry because, “you don’t respect his time and all the things he has to do.”

5. HE’S AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT PERSON IN PUBLIC

Around friends, he’s calm, kind, helpful, fun-loving, and completely attentive. In counseling, he appears thoughtful, and sincere about working on the relationship. He says all the right things. He wants to understand.

But when you’re alone again, his warmth and willingness to do the work or even understand the issues disappears. And now you’re left dealing with that and the isolation that comes from knowing that everyone on the outside sees him as a “great guy.”

If you relate and you need support, we’re always online to help you. Go to btr.org/group/ to see my daily support group schedule.

TRANSCRIPT: EARLY SIGNS OF A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR HUSBAND

Anne:  I did an interview with a member of our community. We’re going to call her Iris, She talked about how his toxic patterns showed up in her marriage and what happened when she started using the strategies she learned in my workshop. Here’s that interview.

Welcome, Iris.

 Iris: Thank you. Glad to be here.

Anne: Let’s start at the beginning of your story. Can you talk about how you felt when you first met your husband?

Iris: He was very charming, and he seemed extremely sincere. Now I understand that he was love bombing me and was trying to make things go fast. It was very intense. And he preyed upon me at a time when I was really ready to get married and have kids. Everybody was getting married and having kids. So he went right for what was the most vulnerable part of me. And we met through a young adult single thing in our group. He proceeded to be very attentive.

Anne: When you say young adult, single thing, that sounds a little bit like my faith. What’s your faith background?

Iris: it’s the Catholic church. It’s actually Theology on Tap, which is at a brew pub, and you can buy a drink and mingle. And then they have a speaker.

Anne: Kind of Matt Fraddish.

Iris: Yes.

Anne: I actually know Matt Fradd in real lif