Why Couples Really Fight: Unmet Needs, Baggage & Small Moments of Joy | Dr Alyona Cerfontyne
Stories and Stanza · Nov 14, 2026 · 55:13
Stories and Stanza · Nov 14, 2026 · 55:13
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#CouplesTherapy #Relationships #MentalHealth
Most couples say they come to therapy because they can't communicate. Couples therapist Dr Alyona Cerfontyne says that's rarely the real problem. Underneath the fights about money, kids, sex and in-laws is something simpler: the relationship has stopped meeting a need.
In this Fail With Me episode of Stories and Stanza, host Abhra talks with Dr Alyona, a relationship and psychosexual therapist and researcher from the Mornington Peninsula, Victoria, about why relationships feel strained and what actually helps. Alyona shares her own story too: she's on her second marriage and once refused couples counselling herself.
In this conversation:
• Why failure, shame and guilt are usually what bring people to therapy
• The unmet needs hiding behind "we just can't communicate"
• Why you don't need a "relationship business plan" before you fall in love
• How baggage from past relationships cracks the lens you see your partner through
• Why self-disclosure works better than pointing the finger
• Reading the unspoken signs that your partner is struggling
• Why "no news is good news" doesn't work for couples
• Small, unexpected moments of joy, and why a 20-second pause matters
• Seeing failure in relationships as an everyday chance to learn
Chapters
00:00 Why couples seek therapy
00:45 Welcome to Stories and Stanza
02:15 Meet Dr Alyona Cerfontyne
03:30 Fail With Me: failure, shame and guilt
07:45 Common relationship strains
10:00 The needs behind conflict
14:15 Are we ever prepared to love?
21:30 Baggage and distorted lenses
29:45 When relationships feel hard
35:30 Reading the unspoken signals
44:45 Small moments of joy
49:15 Failure as growth and what's next
About Dr Alyona Cerfontyne
Dr Alyona Cerfontyne is a relationship and psychosexual therapist, counsellor, educator and clinical supervisor. She holds a Master's and a PhD in counselling; her doctoral research looked at misattributed paternity discoveries and their psychological and relational impact. She directs ALY'S PLACE and Peninsula Sexology in Mornington, Victoria, lectures emerging counsellors at university, and specialises in helping couples recover from affairs. Before counselling, she spent 15 years in international marketing.
Website: https://www.alysplace.com.au
Missed our conversations with John Cuturilo on complex trauma? Find the two-part series on the channel.
Have a question about infidelity, affairs or parenting you'd like Dr Alyona to answer in a future episode? Email us at storiesandstanza@gmail.com
This conversation is for general education only and isn't a substitute for professional advice. If you're struggling in your relationship, please reach out to a qualified counsellor.
#CouplesCounselling #RelationshipAdvice #EmotionalIntelligence #FailWithMe #StoriesAndStanza
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