In this special episode, I'm joined by my dear friend Rebecca Howard Eudy, a couples and sex therapist, for an honest conversation about one of the topics parents struggle with most: sex and desire in long-term relationships. We recorded our usual walking conversation to talk about the questions that came up in our community - from "what's normal?" to navigating different levels of desire, and why connection outside the bedroom matters just as much as what happens inside it.
Key Points
What's "Normal" Anyway?
- Why comparing your sex life to others is both tempting and unhelpful
- The truth: frequency matters less than how both partners feel about it
- The single biggest issue that brings couples to sex therapy: difference in desire
- Understanding spontaneous desire vs. responsive desire
- Why cultural stereotypes about sex drive create additional pain
The High Desire/Low Desire Dynamic
- How testosterone influences spontaneous desire (typically higher in men)
- Why responsive desire means needing to feel aroused before feeling desire
- The reality that desire levels can flip and change cyclically
- What happens when both partners have low desire
- How resentment builds when there's a mismatch in initiation
The Mental Load of Sex
- Moving beyond "what's wrong with me?" and "did I marry the wrong person?"
- Why obligation sex is deeply unsatisfying for both partners
- How sex becomes a "hot button issue" that couples can't even discuss
- Understanding that frequency doesn't tell the whole story
- The panic spiral: counting days and feeling the pressure build
Communication Is Foreplay
- Why the low desire partner often avoids initiating any physical contact
- The problem with waiting for your partner to initiate what you want
- How to be clear about desires: "I want to cuddle tonight, just cuddle"
- Why attunement to your partner's needs builds connection
- The importance of both partners being allowed to ask for what they want
Outside the Bedroom Matters
- How emotional presence and connection throughout the day impacts desire
- Why acts of service can be genuine foreplay
- The need for effort and attunement, not just one-off gestures
- Understanding that it's not the high desire partner's job alone to create the right environment
- How being on the same team translates to better intimacy
Cyclical Desire and Power Struggles
- Recognizing how menstrual cycles affect desire levels
- What happens when desire suddenly flips: "Now you want it?"
- How resentment can create complicated dynamics around initiation
- The importance of flexibility and meeting each other where you are
The Sensate Focus Approach
- Taking typical intercourse off the table to unlock authentic desire
- Why prohibition often leads to "cheating" (which means it's working!)
- How the lower desire partner experiences relief when pressure is removed
- Discovering what you actually want when the formula is disrupted
- The connection between expressing needs outside vs. inside the bedroom
Owning Your Own Desire
- The challenge many women face in knowing what they want
- Understanding you're not just a vessel for your partner's desire
- Getting clear on what actually turns you on or creates connection
- Why knowing what you don't want is actually valuable information
- The work of stepping into ownership rather than just being responsive
The Vulnerability Factor
- Why shame is one of the biggest blocks to healthy sexuality
- How sex unlocks vulnerability for both partners
- The importance of showing up authentically, even when it's hard
- What happens when one partner shows up beautifully but the other can't meet them there
- Building tolerance for the cycle of connection and disconnection
Quotes
"What actually matters is how everybody in the relationship feels about the frequency."
"The worst thing that we want is the thing that would be really scary is that our partners wouldn't want to be with us anymore."
"You are avoiding initiating what you want because it doesn't feel like you're going to be able to get what you want."
"The low desire partner never gets to ask for what they want."
"When we say what we want and someone hears us and respects that, it fills a connection piece."
"Skills don't always translate. I can do it for couples because you can see so clearly what's happening with somebody else. But when it comes to your own relationship... I don't particularly enjoy being vulnerable."
"Beginning from a place of curiosity... take the best possible interpretation."
"The more defensive you are, the less you have your own back."
Resources Mentioned
