EP 92: Holy Disobedience: Sex, Sin, and Secrets, and Healing From Abuse with Melissa Duge Spiers

In this episode of That's Where I'm At, host Laura speaks with Melissa Duge Spiers, an award-winning essayist, screenwriter, and advocate for survivors of religious and narcissistic abuse. Through her writing, memoir  Holy Disobedience: Sex, Sin, and Secrets in the Biggest Church No One Knows , and her online platforms,  The Glory Whole , Melissa shares her personal journey of healing while helping others recognize and recover from religious trauma. Her work has been featured in The Huffington Post, and she is also a contributor to  Take the Fruit: An Anthology of Religious Trauma .

Melissa opens up about growing up in the cult-like Seventh-day Adventist Church, where teachings centered on submission and self-abandonment left her vulnerable to abusive relationships. She reflects on how religious programming shaped her decade-long narcissistic marriage and a subsequent toxic relationship before discussing the healing she found through therapy, supportive online communities, and writing her memoir. Together, Laura and Melissa emphasize that leaving abuse is only the beginning, and that lasting healing comes through ongoing self-discovery, reclaiming your voice, and learning to trust yourself again.

 

Key Topics & Timestamps

Guest Introduction (00:01:28)  Laura introduces the guest, Melissa, an award-winning writer and advocate for survivors of religious and narcissistic abuse.

The Biggest Church No One Knows (00:02:53)  Melissa discusses the Seventh-day Adventist Church, a fundamentalist Christian organization she describes as cult-like and surprisingly large.

Leaving the Church vs. Healing (00:05:36)  Melissa explains that leaving the church at 18 was not the same as healing from its programming.

Repeating Religious Patterns (00:07:01)  Melissa describes how the church's teachings on submission and obedience led her into abusive relationships in her secular life.

Suppressing Emotions (00:09:57)  Melissa and Laura discuss how their high-control religious upbringings taught them to suppress "bad" feelings like anger.

The "Fake" Persona (00:13:35)  Melissa recalls being called "fake" because she was out of touch with her feelings, a result of childhood self-abandonment.

Learning About Boundaries (00:15:56)  The conversation covers the difficulty of learning and practicing boundaries after decades of people-pleasing and being called "difficult."

Documenting Survivor Stories (00:17:20)  Melissa explains how she began documenting survivor stories of abuse within the church, which eventually aided a lawsuit.

The Healing Power of Sharing (00:19:05)  Melissa and Laura discuss the validating and healing experience of holding space for other survivors and sharing their stories.

Discovering Her Father's Abuse (00:22:23)  Melissa shares the story of learning her pastor father was an abuser and how she connected with one of his victims.

A Dangerous Partnership (00:25:49)  Melissa recounts her decade-long, controlling marriage to a man with Cluster B personality disorders, which felt familiar after her upbringing.

Discovering Narcissistic Abuse (00:28:18)  Melissa explains how she learned about narcissistic abuse online during Covid, finally putting a name to her partner's behavior.

Coercive Control Tactics (00:34:10)  The discussion turns to specific manipulative tactics like feigning panic attacks and using sleep deprivation to maintain control.

The Sleep Talking Manipulation (00:36:10)  Melissa describes how her ex-partner would say cruel things in his sleep and then deny responsibility when confronted.

Deprogramming and Escaping (00:43:09)  Melissa details how therapy and online communities helped her deconstruct her trauma and finally leave her abusive partner.

Life After Abuse (00:48:16)  Melissa and Laura talk about the glorious process of getting to know themselves and finding freedom after leaving abusive relationships.

About the Book: "Holy Disobedience" (00:50:31)  Melissa describes her memoir, which covers leaving her religion, realizing its programming led to abuse, and her healing journey.

Leaving Doesn't Equal Healing (00:53:28)  Melissa emphasizes that leaving an abusive situation is just the first step; conscious, ongoing work is required for true healing.

 

Powerful Quotes from the Episode

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