354: Making Peace with What I Can’t Control with Lysa TerKeurst

I am honestly truly honored to have Lysa TerKeurst joining me for this conversation! Lysa has been such a meaningful mentor in my life for many years, and in her new book, Making Peace With What I Can’t Control , she tackles something that I think so many of us wrestle with: the exhausting desire to fix, manage, and control the people and circumstances that we love.

This conversation with Lysa helped me see control in a way that I hadn’t really considered before – sometimes, our struggle with control doesn’t come from wanting power; it comes from responsibility, capability, and care. We love people so deeply that we don’t want to watch them make choices that could hurt them, but there’s a difference between helping someone and trying to control their outcome, and Lysa explains how trying to rescue others can eventually lead to anxiety, exhaustion, and codependency.

Listen in as we discuss parenting, including a story from my six-year-old’s first cross-country race that helped me understand the difference between supporting someone and controlling them. That conversation leads into something that has been especially significant in my own life: our desire to control how other people perceive us. We talk about approval, overthinking conversations, replaying what we said, and how a mistake can become a label we believe about ourselves.

Lysa also opens up about some of the most painful seasons of her life, including betrayal, divorce, disappointment, and moments when she questioned whether she could truly trust God, and she opens up about what it means to hold onto faith when God doesn’t do what we thought He would do and why accepting reality isn’t the same thing as giving up.

If you’re in a season in which you feel like you’re trying desperately to hold everything together, I really hope that this conversation feels like someone throwing you a rope and saying, “Just hold on for today!” You are not alone, and you don’t have to control the outcome to be okay. I hope that you enjoy my conversation with Lysa, and, as always, please feel free to reach out to me with any thoughts or questions! I would love to hear from you!

In This Episode

[0:36] - I am honored to have returning guest Lysa TerKeurst back on the podcast!

[2:24] - Control issues often stem from caring deeply and taking responsibility, but those qualities can also cross boundaries.

[4:25] - We talk about how trying to rescue loved ones from recurring irresponsibility can create codependency, anxiety, and loss of self-control.

[7:54] - Supporting someone is different from controlling them, particularly when we trust God with the ultimate outcome.

[10:32] - We discuss how seeking approval can lead to controlling others’ perceptions and unhealthy overanalysis.

[11:20] - Hear how overthinking how others perceive us can destabilize relationships, whereas self-acceptance offers a healthier alternative.

[13:52] - Healthy self-reflection addresses mistakes directly without allowing overthinking to become damaging self-labels.

[16:36] - Trying to control outcomes often increases anxiety, especially when we struggle to trust God’s protection and goodness.

[19:24] - Hear how Judas wanted a good outcome but tried to control God’s plan instead of trusting His greater purpose.

[21:19] - We talk about trusting God’s wisdom rather than trying to manipulate outcomes we believe are best.

[24:17] - Lysa encourages trusting God’s faithfulness even when difficult circumstances remain painful and incomprehensible.

[26:07] - Drawing from her own painful betrayal, Lysa offers compassion without easy answers to those facing devastating circumstances.

[28:22] - Lysa describes surviving profound heartbreak via healing, acceptance, faith, and the perseverance developed via suffering.

[30:03] - Suffering, although painful, can foster healing, perseverance, maturity, and ultimately reveal God’s faithfulness and redemption.

[32:50] - I describe Lysa’s books as lifelines for suffering people, offering encouragement, companionship, and hope through Jesus!

Links & Resources

Crystal Paine

Focus on the Family

The Crystal Paine Show - 188. Good Boundaries and Goodbyes (with Lysa TerKeurst)

Books

<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Making-Peace-What-Cant-Control/dp/1400230721/ref=sr_1_1?crid=R4E9D1MVSWU6&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.mLeLET14Qx7on_R0kFGbXDKbZBDf401raLVfJkn4Knz_-UK8Xf0-tIucL6DCSskgBBDrxsVO6VfZwgpwui6ycV8P0SIiYlX1R7T6_Px_SUbatdktTsOr0OHAROlrijyvkl8lI9lQKJmkdGOJKmTRh353dj2vc_iCt7B8EExji45zTkCay9vedmcjF9ds