13. The Invisible Mental Load: Why ‘At Least He Helps’ Isn’t the Win It Sounds Like

Have you ever made a deal with yourself at the end of a really bad week — that's it, I'm not doing it anymore, I'm only doing what he does — and then washed up three times by Tuesday without noticing? Have you ever bought him something mid-fight when you were supposed to be on strike? Have you ever lost it because your nine-year-old defended his dad by pointing out he did one load of washing, as if that was the bar?

I couldn't stop thinking about a listener who did all three in one week. I texted a friend about her. I went for coffee and talked about her. I followed up to find out what happened. What she said next, I genuinely did not see coming.

What we cover

• Have you ever declared you're done, you're not doing it anymore, and then found yourself doing it anyway — and genuinely not noticed until it was done
• The thing your body does mid-fight that looks like making up but isn't — and why it fires even when you're the one who's angry
• Why your hands win the war three times before lunch — and the one-second move that interrupts it
• Why the guilt fires when you stop, not when you're drowning — and what guilt is actually doing in your house
• What your daughter learns watching a 40-year trained adult put something down — no speech needed
• The slam tour — passive-aggressive cleaning, the self-cleaning oven moment, and what we're really hoping he'll see
• Why your body won't sleep even when everything is fine — and the scientific name for it
• The question to ask yourself the next time your hands move before your brain does: am I doing this because I want to, or am I scared of what'll happen if I don't

Free resources

• Household Family Meeting Template — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-household-family-meeting-template/
• Energy Accounting Guide — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-mums-energy-accounting-guide/

Paid resources

• ADHD Reset Workbook — Values, Energy & Planning — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-planner-and-values/

Related episodes

• EP81 — The Hidden Cost of Being the 'Good Girl' — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/the-hidden-cost-of-being-the-good-girl-how-the-mental-load-became-ours/
• S2 EP84 — Mum Rage Part 1 — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-84-i-love-my-family-but-im-so-fking-angry-mum-rage-part-1/
• S2 EP85 — Mum Rage Part 2 — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-85-real-tools-for-real-rage-mum-rage-part-2real-tools-for-real-rage-mum-rage-part-2/
• S4 EP1 — Who Am I If I Stop Being in Service — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/1-season-4-launch-who-am-i-if-i-stop-being-in-service-to-everyone-in-my-life/
• S3 EP35 — You Were the Good Girl. That's Why You're Falling Apart Now — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-35-you-were-the-good-girl-thats-why-youre-falling-apart-now/
• S3 — Can't Sit Down Until Kitchen's Done — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/cant-sit-down-ktichen/

📬 Listener Questions & Community

🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice)

Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead.

Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313

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References:

Baumeister, R. F., Stillwell, A. M., & Heatherton, T. F. (1994). Guilt: An interpersonal approach. Psychological Bulletin, 115(2), 243–267.

Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

Wood, W., & Neal, D. T. (2007). A new look at habits and the habit–goal interface. Psychological Review, 114(4), 843–863.

Mentioned in this episode:

Free Resources Good Copy

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