17. Good Girl Conditioning: Breaking the Pattern Before It Reaches Our Daughters — with Rachel Seiler

You know good girl conditioning because you've lived it. The self-editing. The 'whatever you want.' The 'I don't mind.' You spent your twenties in the wrong careers and your thirties in therapy, and you're still catching yourself doing it in your forties. And now you're watching your neurodivergent daughter start — the compliant one, the helpful one — and you don't know how to name it, let alone stop it.

CHAPTERS

00:00 — What the good girl actually loses (and nobody in the room notices)

02:16 — Interoception: the missing piece for a whole generation of mums

03:52 — Why you picked the worst careers and environments for you

06:35 — The nervous system cost nobody counts — going to the toilet on a bell

09:50 — The moment you edited yourself out before anyone even noticed

10:47 — Rachel's grade one birthday party, and what her mum saw

12:32 — The mum rage that arrived when it was her daughter's turn

15:14 — The four scripts that work better than any book or worksheet

19:17 — What we're actually reinforcing when we praise 'easy' behaviour

19:52 — The girls who look calm in the front row and panic on the inside

22:00 — The pool. The water slide. The moment Jane couldn't watch it anymore

28:03 — 'I don't mind' — the one thing every mum needs to understand about it

What We Cover

• The one thing every good girl loses first, and it's not confidence — it's the ability to feel what's happening inside her own body
• Why you picked the worst possible jobs, cities and relationships in your twenties, and never once asked yourself the question that would have saved you
• What Rachel's mum watched her do at her own sixth birthday party — and the template it set for the next thirty years
• The moment Rachel had to physically walk out of her own daughter's bedroom before she said something she couldn't take back
• Why the kids who need therapy aren't always the ones throwing chairs — sometimes they're the ones with their hand up in the front row
• The scene at the pool that Jane couldn't unsee, and what she did about it that nobody in the group was going to like
• What we're actually rewarding when we praise the easy child, and what it costs her by fourteen
• The four short scripts Rachel uses with her own kids that work better than any worksheet — and why role play beats reading a book every time
• 'I don't mind.' The one thing you need to understand about what's happening inside her when she says it

Free Resources

Household Family Meeting Template — the mental load, and getting things off one shoulder — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-household-family-meeting-template/

Explaining ADHD to Kids Guide — for the identity work with your daughter — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/explaining-adhd-to-kids-parents-guide/

Guest Links

Rachel Seiler — Play therapist and counsellor, All Kids Counselling (Queensland). Sessions available Australia-wide via Zoom.

All Kids Counselling Related Episodes (start here if the good girl language is new to you)

You Were the Good Girl. That's Why You're Falling Apart Now. — S3 EP35 — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-35-you-were-the-good-girl-thats-why-youre-falling-apart-now/

The Hidden Cost of Being the Good Girl — How the Mental Load Became Ours — S3 — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/the-hidden-cost-of-being-the-good-girl-how-the-mental-load-became-ours/

Stop People-Pleasing: The ADHD Mum's Guide to Boundaries, Balance, and Breaking Free — S2 EP50 — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-50-stop-people-pleasing-the-adhd-mums-guide-to-boundaries-balance-and-breaking-free/

The Emotional Load of Raising Neurodivergent Girls and How to Lighten It — S3, with Katie Koullas — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-25-the-emotional-load-of-raising-neurodivergent-girls-and-how-to-lighten-it/

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