245: Does praise help or hurt your child? What research actually shows

 

Most parents believe praise is an essential tool for raising confident, well-behaved children. We've been told to "catch them being good" and "focus on the positive." But what if our well-intentioned praise is actually functioning as a subtle form of control? What if praise isn't just celebrating who our children are, but secretly shaping them into who we—or society—want them to become?

 

In this episode, we'll examine how praise affects children's self-concept, motivation, and behavior. We'll explore research on praise's effects, reflect on our own experiences with praise growing up, and draw on philosophical ideas to understand praise as a tool of power that teaches children to internalize social norms and regulate their own behavior. We'll also learn new tools to create more authentic relationships with our children and helping them develop true autonomy.

 

Click here to download the list of 55 Ways to Support, Encourage, and Celebrate Your Child Without PraiseIs praise harmful to children?

Praise can function as a form of control, establishing a conditional relationship where your approval depends on your child's actions. The underlying message becomes: "I'm excited about you when you do what I want." This contradicts what children need to flourish: unconditional love and acceptance for who they are, not what they do.

 

What's the difference between praise and appreciation?

Praise is evaluative language that judges a person's actions or character as "good" or "bad." Appreciation focuses on the impact someone's actions had on you personally. For example, instead of "good job setting the table," try "Thank you for setting the table—I really appreciate not having to do it myself."

 

Does praise help motivate children?

Research on praise's effects is mixed. Some studies suggest rewards undermine intrinsic motivation, while others indicate they can help establish habits. The more important question isn't whether praise works to change behavior in the short term, but what it teaches children about themselves and their worth in the long term.

 

How does praise affect a child's development?

Praise can create dependency on external validation. Many adults who received substantial praise as children become reluctant to attempt things they aren't already good at for fear of not receiving praise or worse, receiving criticism. This is often where perfectionism emerges—not from high standards but from fear that without perfection, they won't be valued or loved.

 

What You'll Learn in This Episode

You'll discover what praise actually is and recognize when you might be praising your child without realizing it. Praise includes evaluative language like "good job," "you're so smart," or "I'm proud of you," and is typically given with the intention of encouraging children to repeat behaviors.

 

You'll explore how praise functions as more than just emotional encouragement—it operates as a form of social control. When we praise children for certain behaviors, we're teaching them what society values and expects, defining what's "normal" and desirable.

 

You'll understand how children internalize our surveillance through praise. They begin monitoring themselves according to external standards rather than developing their own internal value system.

 

You'll learn practical alternatives to praise, including genuine appreciation that acknowledges specific actions and their impact, curiosity about your child's experiences and perspectives, and connection based on truly seeing your child rather than evaluating their behavior or person.

 

Frequently Asked Questions

Will my child still behave well if I stop praising them?

When we relinquish our role as judges and evaluators of our children's worth, we free them to become their authentic selves. Moving beyond praise creates space for genuine connection based on understanding needs and discovering creative approaches to meeting both your needs and your child's needs.

 

What can I say instead of "good job"?

Instead of evaluative praise, you can describe what you observe ("You gave Mario half the cookie, and now he's smiling!"), ask thoughtful questions about what aspects of their project they found most satisfying, or express genuine appreciation for how their actions affected you.

 

How do I know if I'm praising or appreciating my child?

Appreciation focuses on the effect your child's action had on you rather than evaluating their character. Avoid labels like "You're so thoughtful" and instead express how their action made you feel or helped you.

 

Do children need praise to feel loved?

Children need to experience unconditional love and acceptance for who they are, not what they do. They need to know you're excited about them regardless of their performance or behavior.

 

• Other episodes mentioned:
• 042: How to Teach a Child to Use Manners
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